Montana Wolf

Friday, May 28, 2010

Yoko and Me

Back and forth I go. Back and forth. If this were the forest and I were a wild creature I'd have a hearty game trail forged from one watering hole to the next. Only in this case, it's closets. My closet in the trailer to the closet in the house. And vice versa. The route is easily scouted. Down two trailer steps that wobble a bit when my weight hits them. Across gravel, about 25 steps around the garage and through the door of the house. Into the kitchen I go and take an immediate right up two landings of stairs and across the living room to the closet door where I'm storing the things I'm not taking with me.

I open the hollow plywood door. On the inside I've taped a full page ad that Yoko Ono took out in the NY Times on New Years Day 2006. The page is blank except for one line of text across the center that reads: "Imagine all the people, living life in peace." When I read it back then, it moved me to tears. I also took a marker and crossed out 'people' and wrote above it: 'Christina & Tom." I taped it to the sliding bedroom door in our RV and never heard a peep.

I figure that's probably when the relationship should have ended. But the old saying about hindsight is in play. I had many layers to sift through. At that point we'd been together 11 years, the longest for either of us. We'd weathered some big storms; none 'perfect,' but they tossed us good as I wondered in the pages of my journals, "How much of an aging relationship is held in place by inertia?" "Wasn't this the way things were after such a long time together?" A long list of explanations were hidden within that four letter word, this. And, I loved Tom. I wasn't ready to give up on us despite a languishing sex life that I chalked up to various stages of menopause and fights that were fueled by too much Cabernet. The fact was, despite arguments, discussion and agreements, nothing shifted for long. Bottom line?...'THIS' was not what I wanted.

And so today I take clothes from the closet in the trailer that I don't want to take on the road. Out go the work clothes cuz I won't be needing those. And I don't need ump-teen hundred (slight exaggeration) long-sleeved and sleeveless shirts. I'll take about half that many. I bring out a couple of outfits that I'll wear for speaking engagements. And workshop presentations. With the exception of some fine tuning, my website and the description of my work is finished. Everyday I scratch a couple more things off my list as I near my June 12th departure date.

This is ponderously exciting and scary as I pass Yoko Ono's reminder of John's guiding words. As I prepare to move from one 'this' to another that is unknown.


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