Friday, May 8, 2020

The Ultimate Download

Day two.
She is gone.
Mind swirls with memories
calendars and journals at my side
I decipher scribbles of the final days
Carole dying into death 
the send off.

She had visited Arizona late March
days marked with unspoken words
like final and last
we stepped naked into a hot tub
gorged on banana creme pie
made our way up a hill
above Arivaca Lake
joined good friends to
drum the rise of the 
equinox full moon.

I photographed 
Carole with
daughters and granddaughters
we watched shadows pass
across the accordion pleats of sahuaros
from a Tucson back porch
she cheered daughter Laurel on
in the discovery of 
her first home. 

Carole's Kaslo return 
to her idyllic home was tough
tearful phone calls 
soon thereafter by
one I missed.
This voicemail --

Hey Honey, this is Carole. Give me a call.

I knew what this was.
I was about to hear
the hardest words of my life.
I returned her call.
It's time she said.
I can't keep food down and I'm having horrible days. 
I want you here. 

Her date with death was set:
May's New Moon
a week away.

I arrived under
the waning sliver moon
kissed her and sat at her side
she wasted no time
of course not
she had no time to waste
what are you doing about land?
She wanted me settled
seventeen years on the road was enough.
A recurring theme
her closing goal.

I found her alone 
the next morn
on the couch
in palpable pain
I smudged her 
with the white eagle tail feather 
I once brought
her from Alaska.
We sang an old favorite
We all come from the Goddess
and to her we shall return ...
I leaned toward her face
took her hand as we gazed
lifetimes deep  
into one another's eyes.
I began to shake.
Do you feel that I asked.
the energy transference?
It's like ...
you are downloading into me.

The ultimate download she answered.
Her words were barely discernible.

We sat spellbound 
until her eyes twinkled 
Well, I've taken care of my business 
she joked
I'm out of here ...
before you.

Ya, thanks a lot I said
this, our final
laugh together.

She wanted another song
one we sang so long ago
we all fly like eagles ... 
she was angelic

she said 
when the time came to die
she wanted someone at the door 
protecting the space:
Death is like a birth 
someone always shows up unexpectedly.

The old moon
was taking Carole with her
into the void
both of them
thinner and thinner
disappearing into darkness
to birth anew.

Spring Tucson Visit

Add Daughters, Grand-daughters and Maya 

Granddaughter Fun 


  1. Replies
    1. The most difficult part of this process ... finding words. Love to you ...

  2. What a lovely privilege for you to have been there with her.

  3. "She wanted someone by the door, guarding the space." The portal as she traveled into the mystic. Who received the honor? To smudge, brush down the entrant, to guide the person to her bedside? Such a sacred space. I can almost hear the ancestors voices quietly singing her traveling song, approving as she lifted away from her struggle.
    Love you Christina
    ~Pelo Rojo

    1. All this, yes, and more ... mystical.
      Thank you for your presence. With love ...

  4. I can't imagine how difficult it's been to lose your dear friend Carole. My heart goes out to you...